The holiday season brings much joy and happiness but it can also bring a lot of stress and arguments. This year especially we have another layer of stress due to COVID-19 and a Presidential election. Not to mention many people have been out of work which means financial hardship.
So how can we get through this holiday season without heated arguments and possibly parting ways with our significant other? We spoke with Diana Vogel MS, LFMT aka The Sassy Therapist to get some proactive tips.
TSL: With the holidays around the corner, it can be a time of stress for people. Especially couples and couples who have kids. Do you have any tips that couples can practice ahead of the holidays to avoid holiday conflicts?
DV: Talk about it! Most families have traditions around the holidays; how we spend our time, with who and so on. They key to success around these issues is predicting the outcome and getting ahead of it. Stop and review how these moments are handled. Ask yourself what works and what doesn’t, and then change the game plan! Don’t subject yourself to the same thing over and over again if it doesn’t make you happy!
TSL: What do you think is the number one challenge couples face during the holidays that may cause arguments?
DV: Money! The way we think about money is a constant point of contention between couples.
TSL: What advice can you share on how to find a resolve for these types of arguments?
DV: Ask one another how they grew up with money and what did that look like? Understanding your partner’s history helps to make sense of their perspective.
• Talk about fear regarding money. There is usually an underlining fear.
• Ask what your partner’s money goals are. Find a common ground and/or goal.
• Create a budget. Short and long term plan regarding your money. PURCHASE A BINDER!
• Check in WEEKLY regarding the budget. Go through your binder and update the budget. Checking in weekly is so important. It helps to get ahead of the issues, keep each other accountable and build a mutual bond.
TSL: How can parents make their kids feel okay after hearing a blow out argument between one another?
DV: It’s important to reassure children that arguments between parents doesn’t mean they don’t love each other.
Apologize. If you feel like the argument was disrespectful and created an uncomfortable environment for your kids, apologize! Tell them that you acknowledge things could have been handled better, and reassure them that you are working on it going forward.
TSL: What types of lasting effects would these heightened holiday arguments have on children?
DV: What we learn, and/or are exposed to during childhood, we take into our adult relationships. So if we teach children at a young age about conflict resolution, they have a greater chance of growing up more well-adjusted than their counterparts.
TSL: Do you think couples who don’t argue at all are in a healthy, loving relationship?
DV: I believe all couples argue, even the strongest couples. The difference is how they do it, how they communicate, how they get to the resolution.
TSL: What level of arguing is considered healthy between couples?
DV: It’s easier to ask, “When do arguments become unhealthy?” When arguments include gaslighting, disrespect, bullying, avoiding – this is a recipe for disaster. Healthy arguments include reflecting what they heard their partner say, asking for clarification, thanking them for being able to say something hard.
TSL: It’s hard not to have resentments. Even the most enlightened, self-aware person can still carry around a few baby resentments. This can trigger an argument out of nowhere. Any exercise/practice someone can do to be clear themselves of resentments?
DV: It’s so important to identify your resentments. Start by making a list. It can take some time to compile since they usually come to you after being triggered. Pick one resentment at a time. Once you identify a specific resentment, come up with a plan of action to either find closure from that issue or learn how to manage it better.
Example: Identify a time or two where you felt wronged by your partner. Talk it through with your partner. If your partner agrees to do better, ask what that plan looks like? Give your partner time to grow.
Identify the trigger surrounding this particular issue and ask yourself if they are reoffending or trying to do better? Give yourself grace, space and patience. If your partner continues to reoffend, you may need professional intervention to get you back on track.
TSL: Any other insights, tips or suggestions you can offer our readers?
DV: Marriage can be hard!! But it can also be very rewarding. The most successful couples put in the work. I can’t stress this enough. I always say, “It takes two people to be married, it takes one person to decide it’s over.” Marriage requires willing participation.
TSL: Where can people connect with You?
DV: Website, Facebook, Instagram
About Diana M. Vogel, MS, LFMT
Diana works in a private practice setting in Southern California. She’s also an Adjunct Professor at Pepperdine University School of Education and Psychology, and the resident relationship expert on DASH Network Radio Lip Service Show in Hollywood. She’s also a national conference speaker, professional panelist and group facilitator and conducts psychological interviews with prospective weight loss surgery patients for insurance approval. Diana is a member of the Obesity Action Coalition. You can also catch her on two seasons of TLC’s My 600 Lb Life!
